just love II

so i find myself in this place again.

this place where intimacy with God is not easy

i’m not sure how i wind up in this place where i haven’t really spent much time listening for his voice in months…

but here i am

i’ve been feeling like i need to embrace this or that discipline

but i don’t want to do it from a sense of duty

it was hard talking to God this morning

and i can’t even put my finger on why

it wasn’t that i didn’t want to

i wasn’t giving in to any extrensic motivator

i really wanted to connect with my Father

but i just couldn’t get there

i wonder if i’m wrong about the importance of intimacy sometimes

i start thinking “if it’s so important, why is it so hard to hear Him?”

does God have trouble making himself heard?

but then i think about the words of Micah

“act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God”

i usually emphasize the word “humbly”

but maybe the emphasis goes on the phrase “walk with”

i think that suggests intimacy

i think i’ll get back to taking walks with God again

it’s a lot tougher to act justly and love mercy if i’m not doing that

just love

i’m driving home from a visit with my landlord of one week today.  i’m looking up at the mountains, bald heads with beards of green flecked with yellow, and i’m thinking about God

i’m thinking about the tearful and worried phone conversation i had with my wife today as she tells me about concerns for our unborn baby’s health.

i’m thinkin about the conversation i just had with one of the wealthiest (and often disliked) men in the valley about death, and God, and The Shack, and how we miss loved ones who’ve gone on before us.  about how we think life may be about just loving each other more.

i’m wondering about the pastor that lives with five children across the way from us.  i’m wondering how he will be able to heal from the hurt he has suffered at the hands of the church.  how will he be able to live life with any measure of grace after a hurt of the magnitude he has endured?

old friends come to mind and new ones

i gaze at the splashes of yellow and imagine that they are crimson

splashes of blood

gaping wounds on God’s good creation

things are so complex

everyone seems to have a story

a story, that if we knew it, would engender a deeper measure of patience and grace for the unlovely

in our hearts

i am struck once again that we cannot get it all right, it’s just too damn hard.  there are too many wounded people walking around wounding others because it somehow seems to ease their own pain

i think we have to give up trying to get it right

and live from the heart

give

love

comfort

share

listen

really listen

and let the chips fall where they may

i think that’s the basic message of Jesus

pure and perfect religion

sitting here listening to Ziggy Marley sing love is my religion

and i’m wondering how the basic message of Jesus gets lost in all the hubbub of daily life

if i don’t do another thing today, let me love with all my being

freely i have been given

i will freely  give

a father’s sunday morning ramblings

At that moment the talmidim came to Yeshua and asked, “Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” He called a child to him, stood him among them, and said, “Yes! I tell you that unless you change and become like little children, you won’t even enter the Kingdom of Heaven! So the greatest in the Kingdom is who ever makes himself as humble as this child.

i’ve been thinking about this lately, this changing to become like a little child.

what does it mean?

i guess there are lots of thoughts on this, maybe it means to become innocent.  but i’ve already become innocent by virtue of what Jesus did.

perhaps it means that we should become more dependant, but i’ve already discovered that there is little i can do to affect my circumstances… i can’t even change the color of a single hair on my head.

maybe it means i should take more delight and find more joy in life, and while this is certainly true… i don’t think it really gets at what Jesus is teaching.

the apostles were arguing over which one of them is the biggest, the baddest, the bestest follower of Jesus

arguing over which of them would have command over the others when Jesus assumed the throne of Israel

and i think there’s a pretty good argument to be made that this behavior is adolescent

or sophomoric

but i don’t think it’s really child like

i think children would have been arguing over who’s dad is the biggest, the baddest, and the bestest

adolescents and adults are far more aware of themselves than children are. in fact, the older we get the more aware of ourselves we become.

but Jesus is saying to his disciples that this is wrong thinking

we need to become less aware of ourselves and more aware of him

we need to have our self consciousness replaced with God consciousness

with other consciousness

as a true child, i am at rest on the knee of my Father. i am able to love as adults aren’t able to because i am completely loved.  i am not aware of my faults because i am only aware of Daddy’s love for me as i am

broken

imperfect

but still very good in his eyes

when i look at my own children, i’m not constantly thinking of their faults, wishing they’d get themselves straightened out.  i’m only really aware of their beauty and goodness.

this doesn’t mean i’m unaware of their occasional misbehavior!  they receive discpline and grow, this is part of what makes them both beautiful and good!

if this is how i am as an imperfect human father, how much more my perfect Father God?

Daddy, help me become less that you may become more!

help me become more like a child that, in my eyes, you may become more the omnipotent Daddy you really are!

the thing is this, i can’t make this happen.  i can’t, by force of will or by more profound thoughtfulness accomplish this… these things make me even more aware of myself.

this requires me to look to my Father.  i must take my eyes off of my own spiritual development, my own faults and shortcomings, and look to God.

i think Mary was like a little child as she sat at Jesus’ knee

i have to wrench my eyes from the mirror of erised and look into his eyes.  it is there that i will find love and peace and all of the things i seek.

and then i will be able to give what i’m given without thought of myself

remember this

i’m leaving in the morning

early

i’m going to say goodbye to my baby

and our beautiful children

and i’m going to drive west for 9 hours or so

and i’m going to start a job there in amazing country, where i have some amazing friends…

some of whom i’ve yet to meet

and i’m excited about it

yesterday was a crazy day

i’ve been here all week and there’s been little opportunity to connect with anyone.  it starts to feel as if leaving will be like pulling your finger from the water… you’re there and then just gone as if you’d never been

but,as i’ve said, yesterday was amazing

i got to spend time with some really good friends

and God told me the truth

we really do matter

to our friends

and to Him

and you matter to me just as He does

why is it so easy to believe we just don’t matter

why are we so ready to buy this lie

i think its because everything in our culture

everything we read

everything we watch

everything we hear

is screaming one of two things

1. we don’t matter at all
2. we’re the most important person in the history of earth

the first tends to be consistent with our experience from childhood

the second we can see as an obvious ploy to get our money (which tells us our money is what really matters)

i hope these lies don’t get to you

i hope you realize how really important you are

i hope you realize you have a place in the grand scheme of things

it may seem small

as it does for us all

but one life touched with a hand of compassion

one person cared for with a heart of mercy

one human helped up for the sake of love and goodness

is worth more than any of us can imagine

it is beyond our ken how it shapes the world

it is not in the halls of government or law that the world is changed

it’s in the clasping of hands

whether in firmness or gentleness

that real change comes

and that makes you very important

is this my crisis?

my life is strange, i have seasons of intense work punctuated by seasons of life sucking waiting.

i hate the waiting

it usually goes like this:

• get an idea
• plan, plan, plan
• work, work, work, work, work
• become disillusioned
• learn valuable lesson(s)
• wait for next thing
• get an idea…

i’m waiting again…

however, this time i’m not waiting for ideas

this time i’m desperately trying to listen and be led

it isn’t very easy

and the waiting isn’t really any different from any other period of waiting

it’s what i’m waiting for that’s different this time

it’s not me planning and scheming, thinking of how i can make this or that idea work.

NO!

i’m waiting for the Lord…

at least that’s what i want…

to wait on God and be led by him

maybe i’m cracking up, i don’t know.

maybe i’m 44 and fear nothing i’ve ever done means anything

maybe i’m looking at the work of my hands and seeing that not only has it not meant much but it hasn’t been much good for the bank account either, not that it’s ever been about the money

in my best moments i believe it never has really been about the things i’ve done.

it’s been about the lives i’ve been touched by

and touched in return

the people i’ve been loved by

and loved in return

so this time i’m going to try to focus on the things that matter and leave off working so damn hard on the stuff that doesn’t

perhaps it’ll save me having to endure this cycle again

i think it’s worth investing in a bit of discovery

isn’t it?

the call of the sea…

“And all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man shall be accomplished . . . And they understood none of these things.” Luke 18:31, 34

“God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster. Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death; He led every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. Jesus Christ’s life was an absolute failure from every standpoint but God’s. But what seemed failure from man’s standpoint was a tremendous triumph from God’s, because God’s purpose is never man’s purpose.

There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God is to, because His call is to be in comradeship with Himself for His own purposes, and the test is to believe that God knows what He is after. The things that happen do not happen by chance, they happen entirely in the decree of God. God is working out His purposes.

If we are in communion with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, we shall no longer try to find out what His purposes are. As we go on in the Christian life it gets simpler, because we are less inclined to say – Now why did God allow this and that? Behind the whole thing lies the compelling of God. “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends.” A Christian is one who trusts the wits and the wisdom of God, and not his own wits. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the leisureliness which ought to characterize the children of God.“

Oswald Chambers

needle in a groove

Lord i love you. i want to follow you all the days of my life. i want to put a foot print in the bottom of every footprint you leave.

you are God.

i love that you are God. i love that you are Father. you aren’t surprised when i mess up. you aren’t disappointed when i don’t get it quite right. you are Lord over the chaos that is the human heart. as your Spirit hovered over the waters at creation, so you hover over our lives even now.

i can feel you there,

watching

smiling

do you ever frown as you watch me? i don’t think so, at least i’ve never felt your frown. (i have felt condemnation, but your word says there is no condemnation for those who are in you so that must be from somewhere else.) if you didn’t know my heart, you’d have plenty of reason for frowning! but you do know my heart, and you know i’m fully committed to you, or as committed as i’m capable of being.

i think i’m beginning to learn your patience. i think i’m beginning to learn your ways. you look at us with knowing eyes. you know we are walking toward you. you know we face challenges that to us seem insurmountable. you know, left to our own devices, they are insurmountable. so you help us along the way, giving us a hand here, a word of encouragement there.

help me to journey well Lord. help me to keep my eyes and my heart on you.

i depend on you.

without you everything is lost.

without you i am lost.

thank you that i am never without you!

Selah!

waves

Mk 6:45-52  Immediately Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side….

We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ contrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success.  We must never put our dreams of success as God’s purpose for us.  His purpose may be exactly the opposite.  We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not.  The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.

What is my dream of God’s purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now.  If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God.  God is not working towards a partiuclar finish.  His end is the process–that I SEE HIM walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I SEE HIM walking on the sea.  It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not presently.  His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future.  We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience.  We get wrong when we think of the afterwards.  What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.

God’s end is to enable me to see that He can work on the chaos of my life just now.  If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present:  If we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

Oswald Chambers

wow…

what do you think?

to will one thing

man i’ve had a hard time lately.  i can honestly say there just isn’t much i can do to be right.  it’s all about perspective right?  i mean we are only ever right about anything from a certain perspective it seems…

i know this really sounds relativistic!  but i’m not sure i haven’t strayed into that camp just a little.  let’s take as an example an idiomatic phrase like “my heart was in my throat”…

how you understand that statement depends much upon your perspective.  are you american or from some other culture?  perspective makes the difference between understanding something and believing it to be nonsense.

so in the church we have endless divisions.  and it doesn’t matter how you slice it, we all disagree on something.

my question is why do we think we can actually be right on all the right stuff.  we can’t can we?  even if we happen to be lucky enough to stumble upon the exactly correct understanding of a particular point, we can still be wrong because of our attitude about it. ultimately this makes us just as wrong as everyone else!

and then, when we get to thinking we’re right, we distance ourselves from those who disagree with us.  and that just sucks!

somewhere it says

“There is no one righteous, not even one! No one understands, no one seeks God, all have turned away and at the same time become useless; there is no one who shows kindness, not a single one!”

and

“God’s way of making people righteous… has been made clear… it is through the faithfulness of Yeshua the Messiah, to all who continue trusting. For it makes no difference whether one is a Jew or a Gentile, since all have sinned and come short of earning God’s praise. By God’s grace, without earning it, all are granted the status of being considered righteous before him, through the act redeeming us from our enslavement to sin that was accomplished by the Messiah Yeshua.”

so whether you have the perspective of a Jew or a Gentile or a baptist or a methodist or a catholic or a presbetarian or a pentecostal… or whatever the heck you are,  you are still saved by grace if you trust in Jesus.

so obviously there are some things you gotta get right!

but the list is pretty dang short!

so can we, the ones who claim to have it right, just lay down everything that divides us and live in to Jesus’ desperate prayer for his people?

“I pray… that they may all be one. Just as you, Father, are united with me and I with you, I pray that they may be united with us, so that the world may believe that you sent me.”

if for no other reason, can we do it because we love Jesus?